Every "should" is a burden

Every “should” is a burden. Every “ought” or “must” is a weight bearing down on you. You can feel it, right?

“I should exercise more often.” “I should eat better.” “I should keep in touch with old colleagues.”

You have to let those go to make real progress in your life.

Often, when we say “should,” we’re expressing an underlying value. Maybe it’s a value that you hold, or maybe it’s a value that you’ve been conditioned to believe you should hold.

Examine where the “should” is coming from. Let’s say you perfectly execute the thing: what do you gain? If you never did the thing, what would you lose, or what would it cost you?

Be open to letting go of others’ expectations of you. Just because someone suggested that you jog around the block every day doesn’t mean you have to. Running isn’t for everyone; for instance, I hate running and I won’t do it. But maybe within that expectation you can find an underlying value. Maybe you feel that you could be more fit as you get older.

Now, based on your objective assessment of the true value of the “should,” reframe it around that. Maybe you want to be able to climb the stairs when you’re 80 years old, or maintain a functional professional network to reduce stress when changing jobs.

Instead of carrying around this “should,” create an achievable goal (I like the SMART criteria), and always include the motivating reason. Be specific, and be gentle with yourself.

Rephrase the “should” as a statement of fact rather than an aspiration. What do you do? It’s OK to dismiss the “should” as unworthy, low-value, or uninteresting (running, gross), but then you have to stop saying it to yourself. If you decide it isn’t something you actually want to do, don’t hold it over yourself.

“To be fit at 80, I exercise three times a week.” “To maintain a robust professional network, I ping an old colleague once a month.”

Extra credit

When you’re ready to take your personal transformation to the next level, here are some additional tools you can use to make your new habits stick:

Make the very first, smallest step of the action your goal. If your goal is to go running (yuck), your goal might be “put on my running shoes.” Usually, getting started is the hardest part. Once you’ve started, inertia will take over.

Find a source of accountability. You may need to experiment to find out what form of accountability works best for you. Some people only need a nudge from a friend (“hey how did running go this week?”) while others respond better to a more aggressive approach (“you run yet, you lazy sack of shit?”).

Generally, though, it’s the thought of being held to account later that inspires you to action now. This isn’t about finding someone willing to punish you, but rather someone who will reliably call you out for not following through on what you said you wanted to do.

And then, finally, if nothing else is working, you could always try coaching.

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