Listen

Right now, everyone is trying to understand what is happening and how to react. There are many things that we can all do, individually and socially, to fight racism, hatred, and violence in our communities and the country. This article isn’t about where to donate or protests to participate in or petitions to sign.

This article is about the one seemingly simple thing that we must all do. Especially if you are a manager, and especially today.

Listen.

That might be obvious or redundant advice. It may sound easy. “I can listen,” you think, “I listen all the time.” I can confidently say that you don’t. Not all the time. You may hear people talk, but you do not always listen.

Here, I’ll give you some ideas for how to create space, stay supportive, and learn.

Creating space is critical

Let’s start at the top. Listening is important all the time, but when there is real strife, anguish, and confusion, you need to do more than just “be there to listen.” You need to create space for listening.

Check in with people, individually, and proactively. If you use Slack or something similar, send your teammates DMs to see how they’re doing. Make it clear that you are available to chat live if that would help, and that you’ll listen without judgment or agenda.

Don’t try to fix anything

Listening for support is different from listening for coaching or advising. Do not try to solve problems. It’s too easy to slip into “constructive mode” and offer helpful ideas. Resist the urge to give advice.

You can give advice when asked directly, but only then. When you’re listening for support, you should reply only in acknowledgement or with genuine curiosity. Here are some appropriate replies:

  • “Yes.”

  • “I understand.”

  • “Mmm.”

  • “I see.”

  • “I hear you.”

  • “Tell me more.”

In this moment, hearing is more important than reacting. Even a nod of your head is enough. Someone who needs support from you does not want to hear about how good you are at dealing with your similar problems.

Try to learn something

The purpose of listening is to learn. Often, in your job, you listen to learn some specific and tactical thing. When you listen for support, you’re listening to learn something that you didn’t know you had to learn.

This is important.

While listening, open up your mind. What does that mean? It means paying attention to statements that prickle against your perception of the world and how things work. Those statements that make you think, even momentarily, “That doesn’t sound right,” or “That doesn’t completely make sense.”

That prickling feeling has a name: cognitive dissonance. This is a scientific term for a real and well-studied psychological stress. There are two things you need to know about cognitive dissonance.

First, if you feel it, you’re ahead of the game. People who are faced with ideas that conflict with a facet of their current beliefs, and who ignore or reject them without consideration, do not feel this stress. They have trained their minds never to grow.

You want your mind to grow, correct?

Second, cognitive dissonance is a signpost. It marks a moment of opportunity. Your innate reaction will be one of discomfort, possibly confusion. Take note of this, and unpack it later. When your mind encounters this stress, it becomes more difficult to reason, but your awareness of this phenomenon and what it means will allow you to overcome it.

Do not, under any circumstances, object out loud. Remember, you’re there to be supportive. Objecting isn’t supportive.

Speak with genuine concern

If asking a question will help you learn something meaningful, ask it. But remember, you are there to be supportive, to allow thoughts and feelings to come out, and to really listen. It’s not an interview, and it’s not therapy. You’re just a human being listening to another human being speak.

Be grateful. Thank the person for sharing things that might have been hard to share.

If you follow these guidelines, you will grow closer to your colleagues, you will help them navigate these difficult events, and you might even learn something.

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