The when/then trap

Warning: This article briefly mentions self-harm. If you (or someone you know) need support, call the toll-free, 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text HOME to 741741 for free, which offers 24/7 support from the Crisis Text Line.

Are you looking to get promoted? Why?

It’s an honest question; what is important about that promotion, for you? Maybe it’s money, recognition, or power. Maybe it’s what you think you’re supposed to do.

Whatever the reason, it might be wrong.

Let me ask you a different one: do you want to be happy?

Of course you do, I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want to be happy. Most of what we do, we do in search of happiness. Will achieving that promotion make you happy? It definitely feels great to be recognized, and to see the positive results of your efforts, but how long does that happiness last? Usually not too long.

The trap that we often fall into is one where we defer our happiness. We convince ourselves that only when we get that “director” title, or when we self-publish our novel, or when we can move into a bigger house, then we’ll be happy, then we’ll feel fulfilled, then we’ll be satisfied.

That’s the “when/then trap.” It’s a trap because, guess what? It isn’t true.

Professor Michael Norton, of Harvard Business School, surveyed 4,000 millionaires asking them to rank their happiness from 1 to 10, and then asking them how much more money would get them to a rating of 10. Almost every single person, all the way up to $10 million of wealth, said they would need two to three times as much money to be perfectly happy.

Marshall Goldsmith, author of “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There,” said:

There is a person, and the person is sad. Then they buy a product and, oh, now they become happy! Have you seen something like that before? That’s called a commercial. How many thousands of times have you been told “you will be happy when…”?

We are taught from a very early age to externalize our happiness. We’re shown images and told stories of people who are happy upon receiving something, achieving something. Those stories are validated by our experience of getting a brief dopamine hit when we get the thing we want, or achieve the goal we seek, but that feeling doesn’t last.

A dramatic example is Michael Phelps, the famed Olympic swimmer. Phelps has won 23 gold medals in the Olympic games. To put that achievement into perspective, the number-two gold medalist in swimming is Mark Spitz, who has won only nine gold medals.

Yet, what was Michael Phelps thinking about after he won that 23rd gold medal in the Olympics?

He was thinking about ending his life. Phelps went on to candidly discuss his struggles with depression quite openly.

It doesn’t matter what kind of car you drive, what your title at work is, or how many Olympic gold medals you have won. True and lasting happiness doesn’t come from outside yourself.

How do you find lasting happiness?

I don’t know.

How can I know what lights you up? What makes you feel excited and alive? I can’t possibly know that. Do you?

However, since most of you subscribed to receive advice, I will give you some:

1. Think about what lights you up. Make a list, literally, on paper. If this feels quite challenging, you can always talk to a coach about it.

   I have done a lot of self-discovery on my coaching journey, with the help of my own coach. The more I understand myself, the better I can serve myself and others. I am happier than I have ever been, since facing the reality of the disconnect between what I was doing every day and what I truly value in life.

2. Don’t defer happiness. If you want to write a book, start today. If teaching is your passion, teach someone something this week. Don’t set a “when” condition, don’t pretend it has to be a lucrative full-time job, just do it.

   90% of people die with regrets, so don’t let an abstract condition (“I just need…”) stop you from investing in your joy today.

3. Sustainable happiness, generally, comes from generosity and service. Getting only gives you momentary joy. Giving is the source of lifelong happiness. Think about what this could mean for you.

I hope some part of this was helpful, and gives you an opportunity to put deliberate thought into the things that excite you, that drive you, and where you have opportunity to be of service.

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